On last night'sBachelor,the gang headed to Bali—a place Chris mentioned he could see himself returning to for his honeymoon,though coming back with justonegirl would probably be a letdown.Let's get down to it:

Most degrading production prompt: "Kaitlyn,do you wish you could be more like a monkey?"

"Idowish I could be more like a monkey,and just go for what I want." So now this show isliterallyreversing evolution.

Best news for Kaitlyn: People already think she's a monkey

Kaitlyn and Chris think they're tourists enjoying the local fauna,but to the giggling,picture-taking passengers in this car,theyarethe fauna.

Sleepiest: Chris


Chris wants everyone to be open.I wish HIS EYES would take that advice.

Least hype to get in that fantasy suite bath: Chris

You know what's really refreshing when Bali has made you sweat so much,you look like that time Prince Eric washed up on the beach inThe Little Mermaid?A 95-degree bath.This confirmed that the "fantasy" in "fantasy suite" refers to the crew's dream that Chris will develop heat stroke and they'll get to surprise their families by coming home early.

Most hair-insecure: Chris

Speaking of dreams,mine has always been to learn what Chris looks like when he doesn't have the down of a dozen baby chicks stacked in a pyramid atop his head.Alas,this quick flash of ocean Chris is all we have to go on—by the time he got back up the ladder,he had self-consciously restyled his hair,once again,into the shape of an Illuminati logo.

Thirsty: Whitney


Whitney had two objectives on this boat ride: to force as many grand statements as possible into the conversation ("I've never been so ready—this feels so right,it really does!"),and to twist around in any way necessary to make her crotch famous.

Most disappointing: Whitney

Whitney can't say fast enough that she's more than ready to abandon her excellent job,which necessitated years of schooling and which she's clearly very fulfilled by,to move to Arlington,Iowa.But then,who wouldn't get swept up in Chris's characterization of their potential life there as being full of "staying home a lot" and "nothing,just nothing?"

Most inappropriate office PDA: Chris and Becca

Because THAT'S WHAT THIS IS,you unbearably first-world Hollister bots.Someone's workplace.Take it elsewhere.

Groundhog Day: Becca's virginity


So,did someone at ABC pass out with their head on the audio board while editing this episode?How else are we to explain a maddening 20-minute loop of Becca saying over and over,"I'm in Bali.With the man I'm falling in love with.But what Chris doesn't know...is that I'm a virgin.I'm...in Bali.With the man I'm falling in love with.But what Chris..."

Best reason for Becca to hold onto that V-card: Chris winking

I felt compelled to call Becca's mom,Interpol,anyone who could stop her once she started brainstorming whether or not she should back down on the whole "waiting till marriage" thing.Though I totally understand how it could tempt you away from your lifelong ideals,the idea of having your first time being the third time in a 48-hour period for a guy whose idea of happy hour is chewing grass with cows.But then,thank the Balinese gods,Chris gives Becca the ultimate "eh,better not" fodder: He winks during the fantasy suite conversation.He winked at Kaitlyn during the same dialogue.Throw him into the sea!

Coolest cucumber in Bali: Chris Harrison

Harrison has lain real low this season.I imagine him working on his novel,occasionally hurling his Scotch glass at the wall and screaming,"Stupid!STUPID!" But he showed up last night to prove that,having built up an immunity to tropical climes over 10 million seasons,he isn't sweating at all during this heat.


Best worst idea: Having the rose ceremony at an ancient temple

There are lots at the rules at the temples about hugging and necklines and not wearing your up-the-butt shorts,which should have been self-explanatory.But the best way to respect the temple,probably,would be to just not shoot a reality hookup show's elimination scenes there.

Most excruciating: Listening to Chris talk about how excruciating everything is forhim

Where'd he learn that big word,anyway?Kelsey,is that you behind the banana tree?I know what you did.

Most able to take a lousy day at work and put a happy spin on it: Captain Thumbs-Up

Just try and keep this fella down.You can't!